How to Date an Engineer in Mass. Suburbs

How to Date an Engineer

By Amy Steele

Living in Boston, every woman is bound to date an engineer sometime between college and well, sometime. You cannot go ten blocks without knocking one over. They are the core of our existence. Engineers are responsible for nearly everything. Look at an object, building or web site and know that an engineer had a hand in its creation. Here’s the thing though. As important as the work is, the engineer is a stereotypical geek. Most prefer to spend time behind a computer instead of with people. Others find a balance between computer time and face-to-face time. These are the ones you are bound to date. They have been alone in a cube for years toiling away on project after project and suddenly realize: I need a girlfriend. Most think this is just another project to tackle; another thing to tick off the to-do list. See girl. Ask girl out. Date girl. Needs no effort: “I’m an engineer! I’m extremely gifted and desirable. I am in high demand. I’m a catch.” Warning: if someone says he’s an engineer and manages to spend more than three days a week with you and can be at your house at 6:00 at night; there’s something wrong. He’s not successful: Probably some sort of software engineer/ managerial type.

Usually, there’s the startup/project hell when the engineer puts in 16-hour days. Brian Schofer of Akorri warned me after a few weeks of dating (we’d see each other on Wednesdays and Saturdays—engineers like routine, see later chapter) that “things were going to change” because he was starting a position at a new start-up. It scared me but then I realized it wouldn’t be that different. I would still drive an hour out of the city to cook dinner with him and do his laundry while he played chess on the computer and did work.

When I met Brian, I had just been through a strange dating year: dating a lead singer in a local band; a waiter/actor; a biker guy who I could only reach by his pager (no red flag there) and various hook ups with more musicians; guys completely wrong for me and even a professional baseball player. I was a bit wild and maybe even reckless but I couldn’t figure out how to keep any guys interested in me for me and not sex.

At first, Brian represented the stability I desired. He’s tall, cute, smart and even funny despite many frustrating quirks. He approached me while I was watching some of my friends in a band and said, “Do you like French food? I know this restaurant on Newbury Street.” Unbelievable but true. He lived in the suburbs (an hour from my place in Somerville) so the restaurant he had remembered wasn’t even where he thought it was. I think within minutes I asked him if he were an engineer. Later he told me, laughing, that he was the only guy in Bill’s Bar with a collared shirt. True but I still could pick an engineer out of I crowd. At least I thought I could after hanging out with MIT guys while at a women’s college.


Before I knew it we were exclusively dating and I found myself driving out past the town I grew up to a place I never thought I’d be in again after I finished riding horses and attending pony club meetings. As one with urban sensibilities, this became a huge issue. His place was a long haul and so far from anything remotely cultural. On his part, he did come out to Boston quite a bit to take me to the theater and out to dinner. Our relationship lasted almost two years and we remain friends. He still takes me to the occasional celebratory dinner at great Boston restaurants like the lovely Aujourd’hui, and fixes any “mechanical” problems I have—computer, lights, the air conditioner. We regularly attend the theatre. He’s my sugar baby of sorts. We don’t have sex, allowing him to keep me at a safe emotional distance. My mom thinks we act like a married couple. And we do. We bicker. He thinks I’m bossy. I think he’s sometimes lazy and annoying. We spend time at his house, he’s downstairs playing computer chess or watching “The Simpsons” or “Nova,” and I’m upstairs reading or watching a DVD. We cook dinner together, he advises me on my finances, he buys me things to improve my professional life (Dell laptop, nursing classes) or that will benefit my health (a mountain bike).


Engineers only communicate by formulas: don’t expect cards or notes

In my entire time dating Brian, I never received any sort of note or idea of how he felt about me. They show you and don’t usually tell you. And by these it’s not usually warm and cozy, snuggling or unexpected sex, it’s a set of tires or a cable modem or sitting down with your checking account and an excel spreadsheet to help you create a budget. When you can finally “break through” it’s probably the real deal. A friend married an engineer and he never said anything about his feelings but one day her soothing ways just broke him down so that he was to the point of tears in expressing his emotions.

On our first few dates Brian would hold my hand in the movie theater and literally throw it away when the lights came up. When Brian sent me a beautiful tropical flower arrangement at work on my birthday the note read: “HB, B”– He could not even spell out happy birthday or say that it had been a fun few months? Clearly these signals should have made me walk away but maybe I wanted a challenge. Not only will an engineer even send a thoughtful email but forget trying to have

When he did compliment me I could be pretty sure that he meant it. He would not sweet talk me or say lots of charming, empty remarks to make me feel good at that moment so he could get under my skirt. On the plus side, engineers will not waste words. When an engineer says something, he’s thought extensively about it beforehand. But sometimes I would have to ask his opinion on my new haircut or what I was wearing to the theater. If it were bad, he could easily discharge that information. Once I had on fishnets and red paten leather shoes and he thought I looked like a hooker and insisted I change.


Engineers don’t like small talk

So that brings me to this important point. If you like to chat and ramble about your day, spinning class vs. kickboxing or how cute your cat can be, find a friend with a good ear. It’s not going to fly with your engineer boyfriend. You can finagle small talk or a conversation about The Patriots or the stock market but you will end up doing most of the listening. As engineers like to tackle problems and projects, they also like to explain to their girlfriends how the Pats can and will clinch the championship or how valuable an employee stock purchase program can be to you. When I received a job offer from a hospital, Brian showed great disappointment that it was non-profit and not a public company where I could increase my savings by flipping my money in the stock plan at a 15% or greater increase, every six months. Although my salary and benefits and the job description seemed to suit me much more, he still thought I should have set my sights on a public company.

Brian started to tell me, “If you can’t make your point in 15 seconds, I’m walking away.” And he did and he still does. Think before you speak. You might want to go over your main points on the T ride over to your engineer’s apartment or jot things down that you want to discuss throughout the week. Be organized. An engineer’s time is not to be wasted.

Preferred communication? As little as possible. Brian told me how his co-worker’s girlfriend got email at work and suddenly the guy got eight emails a day. Pare it down girls. Yes, it’s so easy to crank off an email when a thought pops into your head at work. But don’t! He will delete if you exceed three and you might start to smother him too much. He wants everything concise and reading tons of silly emails from you will not make his day. It’s not thoughtful, it’s wasteful. Sure you’ll be jealous of the girls who have “normal” boyfriends; the sales guys, research scientists and financial analysts who have time to check in a few times by phone or email back and forth regularly. Be strong. Don’t give into your emotions so quickly. Write post it notes all over your computer and cube if need be: do not call him, do not email him. Wait as many days as you can. Engineers don’t like a needy girl. Sure, they want to solve your concrete problems but they don’t want to deal with your emotions.

I’m a sensitive person. A writer. I read a lot. According to Brian I waste too much time reading novels even if they are by Edith Wharton and Willa Cather. [Why couldn’t I read things that he would be reading, “Learning the bash shell” or “Universal Serial Bus System Architecture”] I frequently go see films and enjoy the theatre. I will admit it. I’m extremely emotional. I let little things and little people bother me too quickly. I learned the hard way that finding a good therapist instead of expecting my engineer boyfriend to have any empathy would have salvaged my relationship a long time ago. While I usually follow a vegetarian diet, I occasionally eat fish as of four years ago. I have not eaten meat since I was 12, chicken and the like since I was 18. One day I accidentally ingested a small amount of bacon at work. I panicked. I called Brian in tears to tell him what had happened and ask him if I should make myself throw up?

Okay, he’s at work. Amy, what can he do? You’re 30-years-old and you can’t decide to purge the bacon on your own. Remember how easy it was to stick a finger down your throat in college when you drank too much honey? Leave the boyfriend out of is. To this day, he points to this as an issue behind my former company putting me at the top of its list for layoffs. It’s an issue I should not have brought to work. He’s right. But importantly I learned, he does not need to know every intricate detail of my warped, hypersensitive thinking. He’ll only hold it against me. And I’m not being deceitful. It’s completely practical. And I’m sure this will come in handy later with other non-engineers types.

Sleeping counts as time spent together.

That’s right girls, seven hours asleep next to each other is quality time for engineers. So, if you want to avoid falling into this trap don’t stay over very often. And I’m not saying engineers don’t like to cuddle after sex. Brian would initiate any spooning before I did. It’s just it comes to a point in your relationship that if you are around too much, he takes you for granted. So to protect yourself from becoming too attached or getting mixed signals or pushing him away by moving in half your closet, staying at his house to do your laundry and surf the web; have separate interests that can keep you busy

Avoid staying more than two nights in a row or you’ll wear out your welcome. Engineers don’t like neediness and clinginess. There are plenty of men out there who thrive on these types of girlfriends and having that upper hand, but engineers are too smart and linear thinking to fall for it. Some of my excuses for extended stays: I don’t have anything to do Friday night so I might as well come; I don’t like my apartment and you have a four bedroom house don’t have to see each other; by the time I go to the gym and get out there on Saturday it’ll be so late and you can wake me up earlier than I can wake myself up (that’s a great one, oh so pathetic!)
It’s late, it’s dark and it’s so far for me to drive!


Engineers like shipping product.

Brian would encourage me to the point of solid measured results only. He would say to me, if you get to x weight, I will buy you a new VCR. Or, if you cook dinner for me for six weeks, I will buy you something special. It is not the minutiae along the way that deserves their focus. No. End product only. Do not bother with your grades in a certain class all along the semester. All that matters is the passing grade at the end.

This also means that you will undergo changes while he stays the same guy in (Dockers and a blue shirt. Brian smugly told me, “I’m happy with myself; you’re not.” But he had a laundry list of things I needed to change mainly to be less emotional around him and to bother him less with an insufficient crisis i.e. it is not okay to call him when the car breaks down but it is okay to him if I am bleeding on the side of the road.

Usually the engineer is resistant to change and that’s why he seems to wear the same thing to work every day. If you do it very casually, you may be able to tweak a thing or two. Put the green cords (i.e. the most stylish pair of pants in his collection) in the stack of pants pile in the closet and he will wear them. The best way to achieve a desired result is to just put something in his direct line of sight/range and make it as easy as possible. For example, I suggested that Brian not use soap to wash his face. I bought Neutrogena for men and put it next to his shaving cream. Well, weeks later he told me the result: less nicks. But months before, I gave him products that required several steps too many (three products instead of one). He tried it a few times but gave up quickly. It was just too much of a hassle. One step is the most direct way for the engineer to handle any personal hygiene area.

Engineers provide concretely.

As I mentioned before, do not expect unexpected kisses, cuddling or hand holding. You are more likely to get a new notebook or an iPod player as signs of affection. The engineer will take you to dinner, the theatre, trips galore but get him to suddenly grab you and kiss you and express his love? Not likely. An engineer will throw down $2K to stay at a touristy hotel like Boston Harbor Hotel to impress you and make up for their lack of sexual prowess and likelihood that he will drink too much and fall asleep by 12:01. He will overpay for thinks for power and to overcompensate for what he is lacking.

Brian would especially buy me anything that would help to improve me: see above. This meant all types of books for whatever new position I took. When I worked in investor relations at a genomics company, he bought me books on the stock market as well as Barron’s Dictionary of Financial Terms. He also threw in tons of books on Excel, PowerPoint and Access, knowing I would be using the programs often.

I started a position in communications at a major Boston hospital, and Brian bought me Barron’s Dictionary of Medical Terms. When I embarked on classes for my second career as a nurse, he went out to buy Gray’s Anatomy, a box of study cards on muscles, bones and nerves, an L.L. Bean book bag (he reminds me is due to the fact that I have useless liberal arts degrees, a bachelors in English and a masters in journalism).

Sex and the engineer.

As with everything else, engineers have a clear plan. Brian must have read the book that says, “Sex on date four is proper and expected.” I don’t know what book it was but I think that’s what the thinking is, not just when it feels right. I shouldn’t need to remind you, it’s not an emotional thing. It’s all about the timing here. On our first date, he gave me a tame kiss and I lunged at him and he told me months later how I had come on a bit too strong. What year was it anyway? He even commented on the idea of children that it was “the thing to do.” What? That’s insane but I’m the only crazy one in this relationship of course.

When you get down to it with your engineer, stand strong about when you want and don’t want to have sex too. He liked it in the morning, I’m much more flexible in many ways. As with many things, I like variety. He gamely tried different positions, which was cool. But early on, I realized I made a huge mistake, I gave him too much information. Yes, it’s true. He learned how to give me an orgasm during oral in under five minutes. Okay, great you’re saying. Wow, even. Wrong. If I did not reach orgasm in that five-minute span, he would give up and I would be left hanging. (Statistics show that it takes women 20 minutes to achieve an orgasm through oral sex.) Now where I would go at him for 45 minutes sometimes if need be, he did not think it worth the effort to get me off. Buy yourself a trustworthy vibrator because you’ll need it. How many times was I left sexually frustrated? I cannot even count.

Why put up with it?
1. I thought most women had this problem.
2. I really cared about this guy and thought things could change. In other words, sex was the least of our issues.

If you can put up with the idiosyncrasies and egos of an engineer, they are decent guys to date. You may need to spiff up their wardrobes or houses. You might have to nudge them into some less geeky behavior but they are reliable and sweet. Engineers provide comfort and they can be cute and smart. After many unstable relationships, it can be somewhat comfortable to be with someone predictable. Just do not allow it to get too staid. Engineers do enjoy routine more than most people and you just have to spice it up a bit if that’s what you want. If you also like the same thing week to week, look online and you are liable to find at least ten engineers ready for the picking.

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